Recovery (III)

The previous update sort of trended from an overall very relieved and happy mood to a more anxious to see the light at the end of the tunnel mood. This one more or less trends in the opposite manner.

Shortly after I published the last entry, I found myself wholly overwhelmed by the situation. Whereas earlier I had been able to convince my mind my situation was temporary, and I would go back to being fully functional, and I just needed to make the best of my downtime, I suddenly found myself completely unable to rationalize my fear of being permanently disabled into a proper perspective. It doesn't make a ton of logical sense, but my mind went to a very dark place. I eventually came to a point where I had spiraled out of control even. In addition to my fear of being disabled, I found myself very socially isolated (of course along with many other people at this time) due to Covid precautions. Often, two of my greatest mechanisms for coping with stress have been visiting friends and family as well as getting exercise in. Visiting friends was helpful, but not regularly possible. Visiting family all but entirely impossible. And of course while I could do core and upper body exercises, I was far away from the release an outdoors run or bike ride or swimming provides. YIKES.

I noticed signs in myself of depression. My appetite had waned. While I was of course able to functionally eat I took no pleasure from it. My sleep was off. I was not able to enjoy any parts of my day. I told some of my closest friends and family that hey, I needed some help, and I was planning to get counseling. They were entirely supportive in pretty much the best ways friends could possibly be. I went ahead and signed up for counseling sessions. I also decided to make a temporary move back to Sacramento to spend two weeks living with my mother after I received a negative Covid test. I basically just needed to not live alone for a while. Everything I had experienced seemed to have finally caught up to me. And I will just say, my experience was NOTHING compared to what a veteran must feel after being in combat.

The move and seeking of counseling proved to help a LOT. There certainly were no magic cures, but I began to feel just a bit better. I returned to my place in Mountain View with some trepidation. It was once again time for a follow up visit, on November 18.

Back to the clinic, SAME nurse yet again, same process of getting X-rays, same nervousness when Dr. Chou walked in the room. I tried to tell myself to have expectations that even though I might be cleared to progress in some ways, I shouldn't expect to be fully back to normal until much later.

I was told once again that my x-rays and healing looked great. My visit this time was actually very rapid, which was a good sign. Dr. Chou progressed me to walking without wearing the boot (which in turn meant I was able to drive again), cleared me to begin physical therapy, took away all restrictions concerning keeping my wound dry, and told me I would likely need to come back only one more time and in six weeks.

OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSS.

Again, Matt, don't get ahead of yourself, you're not ready to start running 3x a week again. You can't do a boot camp workout yet (not that I could anyway with Covid restrictions). But OH MY GOD that first drive for even a half mile to get out of my place felt GREAT. Then just because I could, a ran a grocery store errand for a friend. I worked for a few hours out of my truck in a place with wifi. I took a bath. And I drove by Stevens Creek trail, where some 90% of my runs over the last 15 years have taken place, and walked on the trail for about five minutes. Walking without crutches was nice four weeks ago, but these activities felt like a god send.

This past week has been night and day. I still have a long road of recovery to get back to full athletic functionality, but my basic life functionality has been restored. I am eager to begin physical therapy work next week and absolutely intend to follow all given instructions and exercises to a tee. Now I also feel a sense of a need to somehow find something positive to take from the experience.