Recovery (I)

 I definitely further qualify this "Recovery" entry with the "I" as I am unsure how many recovery entries there will be. After reading up a lot on the ankle fracture recovery process and hearing first hand from Sha Sha's friend Buddy, I know it will be a slow process. But I'm hoping that at least I will see progress during the recovery, no matter how slow it is.

Initial recovery from the surgery was certainly physically painful once the nerve block wore off, but I wasn't really that miserable necessarily. In fact, I'd even say I was relieved and quite optimistic. Really getting over the hump of surgery and knowing the worst part was over was great. I had a nice dinner with my Mom post surgery and basically spent the evening relaxed with friends checking in on me. That night I was in absolutely no pain. Nor any ill effects from the anesthesia. I did take one of each of the pain pills to make sure I could tolerate the medicines, but really I was fine. Even the next day was fine as well. I in fact still had the catheters from the nerve blocks inside my leg and was receiving numbing medication on the hour. I was resting, and again relieved to have the worst part over and be officially on the mend.

Life was fine. Until suddenly the nerve block had completely worn off. Then YIKES. Wednesday night. The pain caught me off guard. I think mainly it was caused by the large amount of swelling my leg had undergone. I wanted to rip off the splint. I started to take the oxycodone, something I had hoped to avoid. But I needed it. It felt like it barely helped at all. I tried to increase the numbing medication given by the nerve block pump, but that seemed to not work at all. I did NOT sleep that night. I told myself it was acute pain, but if I needed to, I could tough it out for the 2-3 days post surgery that the swelling was the worst. 

Then I thought better of it in the morning and called the clinic. Glad I did. They told me there was no problem in doubling the dose of the oxycodone. They immediately put in a prescription refill to the pharmacy and told me to contact them if I still had pain. I took the double dose, and it helped immensly. Not in the same manner as the nerve block, but more of a general pain relief. Also, very helpfully, the nurse mentioned that in addition to elevating my leg I should ice UNDER the knee. Brilliant, why hadn't I thought of this? I also spoke with the anesthesiologist about the nerve block, but still was unable to get the extra dose working. While I hated taking more pain medication, I was really glad I did. I needed it. I had another episode of pain that Friday night when I woke up from sleep after having unintentionally gotten into a very bad and painful position with my leg. Again, very glad I had the pain medication. And to be honest the knowledge of icing under your knee to relieve pain and swelling in lower extremities.

After those two initial pain episodes, the swelling GREATLY subsided. And thus followed the pain. I was able to stop taking the pain killers all together and go to a simple regimen of 2 tylenol. This was also a huge step in the progress to healing. Worst is over, and pain is 100% manageable? SUHWEET. I'm good right? Just a waiting process now. The weekend ended just fine, and I approached what would be my first full week back at work. I was optimistic.

The first week "back" was horrible.

The pain itself was very very manageable and nearly gone even save for some mild soreness and occasional bone aching. But the REALITY and the MAGNITUDE of the whole situation had finally begun to settle in. Up until this point times were trying and there was pain, but there was always sort of a clear "next step". Call for help to get rescued, make your way home, figure out surgery logistics, etc. These tasks I think are necessary in helping our spirits pass through a traumatic situation. Something objective to do to improve your situation. But once these are finished, your mind no longer has something to keep it very grounded and if you're not careful you can be swept off to a dark place.

So I was able to get back to work and be productive during the week. I was able to have all necessary food and supplies delivered to me. By all logistical means I was set. The problem was, my sort of "coping" and "happiness" mechanisms had completely gone by the wayside for the time being. 

I began running competitively when I joined Capital Crew at age 14. Since that fall, I have averaged running between 2 and 3 times a week. Sometimes more as when I was training for an event, sometimes less when I was not taking a very strict schedule for my running, nevertheless I found myself more often than not getting in 3 runs a week. Running has always been a bit of a love and hate relationship for me. I certainly don't have type I fun while running, but I LOVE the relief and focus I feel after a good run. It keeps me happy.

Furthermore, I have been able to cope during our shelter in place orders by driving out to a spot with good wifi and working from my truck for a few hours until my laptop battery wears out. This helps me feel like I'm out of my place, get a change of scenery, and set up a few walls between my personal and working life.

I cannot weight-bear on my right foot for the time being, and as such I cannot drive. Also ambulating is somewhat difficult in crutches, so I'm not able to crutch a long distance. I end up spending my recovering days generally enitrely in my place. This is HARD.

I feel very fotunate I was treated by Dr. Chou and the Stanford medical team. I also feel very fortunate I only broke one bone in my ankle: the medial malleolus. Finally, I am very fortunate the post surgery x ray showed good alignment and that my ankle mortise was never lost. Nevertheless, I am certainly not going to be running for many months. I may also have to face the painful fact that I will not be running after many months, too. If it will ever be such a regular part of my routine again. I don't know what the prognosis is yet, but I will know more at my follow up visit. This has been REALLY hard for me to process and the source of a lot of frustration.

But, I believe in ending this entry with a positive note. I am in the process of learning how to cope. So far I have found that a few things help me greatly. Reminding myself the situation is TEMPORARY. That I will heal. Keeping a countdown of days until the next milestone: in this case my follow up visit. Treating myself with little things like a light to make reading easier when I don't want to get up. Trying more positive acts when I feel the worst like exercising upper body only and writing postcards encouraging people to vote. But there is one great area of help in coping that is undeniably necessary.

People.

It's tough to be dependent on people to help you out, but it is great if you have people in your life that do help you out. From my family and Dr. Ford checking in on me to my friends being there to talk, give me rides, and hang out distanced, there is hope for pulling through even the toughest times.