At the end of the previous entry, I had really just begun to enter the full taper period. Looking back, a lot of that entry was pretty incoherent, rambling, and full of triathlon or otherwise endurance sport jargon (bricks, tapering, big day, zone 2 heart rate etc.). Not that my other entries aren't rambling and incoherent to my full two blog readers, but if even I can look back and say that about my own entries from my perspective, you KNOW something must be off. Pretty clear why.
I was nervous. Full of self-doubt.
It started with a twinge of nerves after the Monday swim of the first week. It was relieved when I felt good on the 2 hour run that Friday, but grew again for the Sunday ride. Positively, the nerves went away after about an hour on the bike, so I at least was able to take away that you can feel bad at the beginning of a ride and still make it successful. But it grew worse. With a vengeance. It hit its peak over Thanksgiving break in Sacramento, probably because of all the down time. NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT BUT THE RACE.
I'd still hit all the workouts, but I'd feel flat. Slow. Like I'd lost all the conditioning I'd worked for. I felt "asymptomatically sick". I was sure I had a cold, or the flu, but I had no sore throat, no fever, no nausea. I had "phantom injuries". My right achilles tendon was horribly strained, it felt. My left knee couldn't extend fully. I had exertion headaches. Then mentally I was exhausted. I couldn't keep negative thoughts out of my head. I thought I was too proud by trying to work out independently of a group. I thought about Tony, a fellow TNTer, who was training for his first Ironman in Cozumel when he was hit by a bike and fractured his collarbone, then was diagnosed with a cancer following the X-rays. It wasn't some noble line of thought that I would continue on for those who didn't have the chance to race, it was more like, "Crap. I don't want to race, and I have NO excuse. I'm weak." I thought about my Mom's family history of heart disease. And my Dad's heart condition that could require surgery as early as next spring. I thought maybe I just wasn't cut out for this. I'm too heavy, too big. I thought about my online friend from Tacloban City in the Phillipines, and how awfully her life was changed by the Haiyan/Yolanda typhoon.
Dark!
But trying not to be too Disney, or preachy, if you just keep going, there's light. I read about how these self doubts, fake illnesses, and lethargy were normal in my training book and old emails from coaches. I talked to non-triathlete friends who understood, somehow, and Lisa and T.C. who'd been through it themselves. And that was enough to make me want to toe the starting line.
I made my final preparations, packed my gear after double and triple checking, and drove down to Palm Springs. Crazy how quickly a 7 hour drive goes by when you've been riding a bike for the same time period. Got myself geared up after a final check in with Lisa, the pre-race meeting, a course drive, and dinner with my Dad. Who tried to dissuade me from a glass of red wine that I have no regrets about drinking. And that was it. Up at 4 am for pre-race breakfast, and off to Lake Cahuilla!
I was nervous. Full of self-doubt.
It started with a twinge of nerves after the Monday swim of the first week. It was relieved when I felt good on the 2 hour run that Friday, but grew again for the Sunday ride. Positively, the nerves went away after about an hour on the bike, so I at least was able to take away that you can feel bad at the beginning of a ride and still make it successful. But it grew worse. With a vengeance. It hit its peak over Thanksgiving break in Sacramento, probably because of all the down time. NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT BUT THE RACE.
I'd still hit all the workouts, but I'd feel flat. Slow. Like I'd lost all the conditioning I'd worked for. I felt "asymptomatically sick". I was sure I had a cold, or the flu, but I had no sore throat, no fever, no nausea. I had "phantom injuries". My right achilles tendon was horribly strained, it felt. My left knee couldn't extend fully. I had exertion headaches. Then mentally I was exhausted. I couldn't keep negative thoughts out of my head. I thought I was too proud by trying to work out independently of a group. I thought about Tony, a fellow TNTer, who was training for his first Ironman in Cozumel when he was hit by a bike and fractured his collarbone, then was diagnosed with a cancer following the X-rays. It wasn't some noble line of thought that I would continue on for those who didn't have the chance to race, it was more like, "Crap. I don't want to race, and I have NO excuse. I'm weak." I thought about my Mom's family history of heart disease. And my Dad's heart condition that could require surgery as early as next spring. I thought maybe I just wasn't cut out for this. I'm too heavy, too big. I thought about my online friend from Tacloban City in the Phillipines, and how awfully her life was changed by the Haiyan/Yolanda typhoon.
Dark!
But trying not to be too Disney, or preachy, if you just keep going, there's light. I read about how these self doubts, fake illnesses, and lethargy were normal in my training book and old emails from coaches. I talked to non-triathlete friends who understood, somehow, and Lisa and T.C. who'd been through it themselves. And that was enough to make me want to toe the starting line.
I made my final preparations, packed my gear after double and triple checking, and drove down to Palm Springs. Crazy how quickly a 7 hour drive goes by when you've been riding a bike for the same time period. Got myself geared up after a final check in with Lisa, the pre-race meeting, a course drive, and dinner with my Dad. Who tried to dissuade me from a glass of red wine that I have no regrets about drinking. And that was it. Up at 4 am for pre-race breakfast, and off to Lake Cahuilla!
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